.The Absolutely Will-Not Stop Uncut Review (1,400 words)
A few years ago, when I was running a local cinema, I found myself having an argument with a representative of the BBFC about Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003) She had, some would say quite foolishly, offered herself up for a Q & A session at the Chichester Film Festival. My problem was with T3’s 12A certificate (I have serious concerns about the whole debilitating effect the 12A certificate is having on good cinema, but that’s another story).
You see, in the BBFC guidelines it clearly states that, in a 12A “violence must not dwell on detail. There should be no emphasis on injuries or blood … (with) occasional gory moments only” and yet, in T3, we have a scene where the female Terminatress sits in the back seat of a car, punches her arm through the body of the driver in front, seizes the wheel and drives along, with her victim’s blood and giblets dribbling off her arm. My question was “In what way can that be called ‘no emphasis on injuries or blood’?”. The BBFC woman conceded, with a shrug, “Yes, that was a bit of a 15 certificate moment in a 12A movie.” Well, I’ll get back to the various reasons that’s an infuriating and unsupportable response at a later date. For the moment, let’s just note that there is no such controversy surrounding Terminator Salvation (or T4 as I shall call it henceforth, for brevity’s sake) this is good wholesome end-of-the-world type stuff with no gratuitous sex or violence.
These days, in the drive to create more and more kiddie-friendly by-the-numbers action movies, the Hollywood studios must find new ‘creative’ sources to exploit, since the bottom of their ideas barrel has long been scraped away. So, what do they now do? They approach the same old ideas from a slightly different perspective. You see, if you look closely, you’ll realise that some of our most treasured film franchises have, for want of a better term, gaps in them. We’ll call this The Wonderful World of the Back Story:
Star Wars referred to “The Clone Wars” early on, but we weren’t allowed to see them … until now. Star Trek often made reference to Kirk and Co’s past, but only now do we get to see it (wait for some genius to think up the revolutionary notion of Young Jean-Luc on the Stargazer). Much was made of Wolverine’s forgotten years … well, they’re forgotten no longer. I imagine plans are a-brewing in the Doctor Who production office at the BBC to finally do something with that oft-teased Time War. And, finally, The Terminator’s war against the machines … glimpsed and hinted-at for twenty-five years is now, finally, here for all to see.
And, do you know what … we’ve seen it all before:
The titles and slow-crawl from the beginning of T1: check.
Helicopter attack from Apocalypse Now: check.
Soldiers creeping through dark factory corridors from Aliens: check.
Human resistance run from a submarine as in The Matrix: check.
Grey, burned-out landscapes from Reign of Fire: check.
Our hero ‘adopts’ a mute feral kid in the wilderness, as in Mad Max 2: check.
Giant robots to steal some thunder from Transformers: check.
Dog-fight in a canyon from ID4 (ironically not a sequel): check.
Falling in love with a humanoid machine as in Battlestar Galactica: check.
Motor-bike escape from The Great Escape (yes, really): check.
Make Skynet Central look like Mordor: check.
Christ-like resurrection as in just about every quest movie made since Star Wars: check and check.
Golden Gate Bridge has seen better days as in Superman The Movie, The Core, Xmen 3 etc, etc: check.
A few years ago, when I was running a local cinema, I found myself having an argument with a representative of the BBFC about Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003) She had, some would say quite foolishly, offered herself up for a Q & A session at the Chichester Film Festival. My problem was with T3’s 12A certificate (I have serious concerns about the whole debilitating effect the 12A certificate is having on good cinema, but that’s another story).
You see, in the BBFC guidelines it clearly states that, in a 12A “violence must not dwell on detail. There should be no emphasis on injuries or blood … (with) occasional gory moments only” and yet, in T3, we have a scene where the female Terminatress sits in the back seat of a car, punches her arm through the body of the driver in front, seizes the wheel and drives along, with her victim’s blood and giblets dribbling off her arm. My question was “In what way can that be called ‘no emphasis on injuries or blood’?”. The BBFC woman conceded, with a shrug, “Yes, that was a bit of a 15 certificate moment in a 12A movie.” Well, I’ll get back to the various reasons that’s an infuriating and unsupportable response at a later date. For the moment, let’s just note that there is no such controversy surrounding Terminator Salvation (or T4 as I shall call it henceforth, for brevity’s sake) this is good wholesome end-of-the-world type stuff with no gratuitous sex or violence.
These days, in the drive to create more and more kiddie-friendly by-the-numbers action movies, the Hollywood studios must find new ‘creative’ sources to exploit, since the bottom of their ideas barrel has long been scraped away. So, what do they now do? They approach the same old ideas from a slightly different perspective. You see, if you look closely, you’ll realise that some of our most treasured film franchises have, for want of a better term, gaps in them. We’ll call this The Wonderful World of the Back Story:
Star Wars referred to “The Clone Wars” early on, but we weren’t allowed to see them … until now. Star Trek often made reference to Kirk and Co’s past, but only now do we get to see it (wait for some genius to think up the revolutionary notion of Young Jean-Luc on the Stargazer). Much was made of Wolverine’s forgotten years … well, they’re forgotten no longer. I imagine plans are a-brewing in the Doctor Who production office at the BBC to finally do something with that oft-teased Time War. And, finally, The Terminator’s war against the machines … glimpsed and hinted-at for twenty-five years is now, finally, here for all to see.
And, do you know what … we’ve seen it all before:
The titles and slow-crawl from the beginning of T1: check.
Helicopter attack from Apocalypse Now: check.
Soldiers creeping through dark factory corridors from Aliens: check.
Human resistance run from a submarine as in The Matrix: check.
Grey, burned-out landscapes from Reign of Fire: check.
Our hero ‘adopts’ a mute feral kid in the wilderness, as in Mad Max 2: check.
Giant robots to steal some thunder from Transformers: check.
Dog-fight in a canyon from ID4 (ironically not a sequel): check.
Falling in love with a humanoid machine as in Battlestar Galactica: check.
Motor-bike escape from The Great Escape (yes, really): check.
Make Skynet Central look like Mordor: check.
Christ-like resurrection as in just about every quest movie made since Star Wars: check and check.
Golden Gate Bridge has seen better days as in Superman The Movie, The Core, Xmen 3 etc, etc: check.
Showdown in a foundry with loads of fire, steam and sparks as in T1 and T2: oh yes!
You can almost hear the seventeen listed producers (yes, seventeen) feeding their favourite scenes into the script-writing machines, checking off their wish-list as they assembled this, for want of a more accurate term, script. But don’t try and follow the story that strings together these elements because it simply doesn’t make a lick of sense. The first key-note assault simply doesn’t bear thinking about too much, just enjoy the utterly convincing special effects and flowing camera work as we swoop in and out of a flying helicopter and then stay in it as it crashes down in the shadow of a mushroom cloud. Well, if Indiana Jones can be immune to radiation, why not John Connor, hm?
Then again, one can only assume that the plutonium in the missiles we saw flying at the end of T3 must have had a particularly short half-life, since this film is set less than ten years in our future and, in-keeping with that 12A certificate, there is nary a reference to the ‘f’ word (‘fallout’).
The special effects, photography and particularly the work done on the sound is exemplary. The visuals are never less than impressive and are occasionally gorgeous; which does rather make one think that Bale’s now legendary tirade against Shane Hurlbut, the Director of Photography, might have been better directed towards whoever programmed the script-writing machines.
Director “McG” … real name Joseph McGinty Nichol … does what he can with the material at hand, and it is certainly a McFeast for the eyes if not the mind but, let’s be fair, his track record doesn’t really suggest he’s quite the man to tease brilliantly persuasive performances out of actors working at their best, since it consists of two hyper-kinetic bubble-gum no-brainer McCharlie’s Angels flicks and a remake of McRevenge of the Nerds … yes, a re-make … ye gods … thank-you, Hollywood, we are not worthy of such magnificence … what’s that? Oh, tragically, the film was cancelled half-shot and will now never see the light of day. I think I may die of disappointment.
Ahem.
Throughout T4, the dialogue (deliberately) echoes T1 and T2, as though the script-writing machines were somehow self-aware that they were simply lashing-together their narrative from the recycled bits-and-bolts of better films. But, all this backward-glancing reminds us how revolutionary and magnificent those films were and how intellectually and emotionally vacant this one is by comparison.
The notion of an American-encompassing war (so-called because the rest of the world doesn’t get so much as a mention, just for a change, like) waged guerrilla-style in the ruins of the old world order, is something we have all experienced first-person through games like Halo and Gears of War; therefore our expectation and experience is so much higher than it was a quarter-century ago when Cameron first had tank-tracks roll over human skulls. This film needs to work harder to engage our interest and disengage our sense of disbelief. Unfortunately, one’s disbelief needs powers of flight to stay suspended when our heroes take refuge in a building in the middle of a flat, featureless desert only to have a fifty-foot-tall multi-ton Transforminator sneak up on them. Ole twinkle-toes Transforminator! But, on the other hand, it does give birth to robot motorbikes which are ultra-cool. I want one!
As for the so-called humans in the film, Christian Bale has taken on the mantle of John Connor and portrays him as completely different from Bruce Wayne. He delivers most of his dialogue at the shout, the rest at the growl, and all of it with a frown … see, no resemblance to The Dark Knight at all! The only point when he breaks his bullet-proof shield of full-on one-dimensional acting is when he almost smiles while delivering the “I’ll be back” line.
Throughout the film, Sam Worthington’s story is much the more engaging and he comes across as more humane. I appreciate that the message the script-writing machines are trying to communicate is that, for Bale, the war against the machines has turned him into a machine, but didn’t Cameron make that point far more succinctly and effectively with the development of Sarah Connor’s character in T2? Yes, I rather think he did.
So, in summary, I’m conflicted about this film. Parts of it are just down-right appalling, while other parts are jaw-droppingly impressive and the whole thing looks gorgeous. Rumours abound that some 40 minutes were cut from the film to stop it running to Watchmen-like lengths and, of course, those rumours further postulate that said 40 minutes may be put back in for the disc release. Don’t hold your breath. I can’t pretend that I’m going to lose sleep waiting for the predicted second and third film in this despite-popular-demand second trilogy of Terminator films but I can say that I predict Shane Hurlbut (here in only his second job as DP) will have a long and lucrative career making indifferent movies look far better than they actually are. They just won't have Christian Bale in them.
.
Dir: Joseph McGinty Nichol
Stars: Christian Bale, Sam Worthington, Moon Bloodgood, Bryce Dallas Howard
Dur: 115 mins
Stars: Christian Bale, Sam Worthington, Moon Bloodgood, Bryce Dallas Howard
Dur: 115 mins
Cert: 12A (of course)
.
The Hasta La Vista Short-Cut, Baby (600 words).
These days, in the drive to create more and more by-the-numbers action movies, the bottom of their ideas barrel has long been scraped away. So they approach the same old ideas from a slightly different angle. We’ll call this The Wonderful World of Back Story:
Star Wars referred to “The Clone Wars” early on, but we weren’t allowed to see them … until now. Star Trek often made reference to Kirk and Co’s past, but only now do we get to see it. Much was made of Wolverine’s forgotten years … well, they’re forgotten no longer. I imagine plans are a-brewing in the Doctor Who production office at the BBC to finally do something with that oft-teased Time War. And, finally, The Terminator’s war against the machines … glimpsed and hinted-at for twenty-five years is now, finally, here for all to see.
And, do you know what … we’ve seen it all before:
The titles and slow-crawl from the beginning of T1: check.
Helicopter attack from Apocalypse Now: check.
Soldiers creeping through dark factory corridors from Aliens: check.
Human resistance run from a submarine as in The Matrix: check.
Grey, burned-out landscapes from Reign of Fire: check.
Giant robots to steal some thunder from Transformers: check.
Dog-fight in a canyon from ID4 (ironically not a sequel): check.
Motor-bike escape from The Great Escape (yes, really): check.
Make Skynet Central look like Mordor: check.
Christ-like resurrection as in just about every quest movie made since Star Wars: check and check.
Showdown in a foundry with loads of fire, steam and sparks as in T1 and T2: oh yes!
You can almost hear the script-writing machines checking off their wish-list as they assembled this, for want of a more accurate term, script. The special effects, photography and particularly the work done on the sound is exemplary. The visuals are never less than impressive and are occasionally gorgeous; which does rather make one think that Bale’s now legendary tirade against Shane Hurlbut, the Director of Photography, might have been better directed towards whoever programmed the script-writing machines.
Throughout T4, the dialogue (deliberately) echoes T1 and T2, as though the script-writing machines were somehow self-aware that they were simply lashing-together their narrative from the recycled bits-and-bolts of better films. But, all this backward-glancing reminds us how revolutionary and magnificent those films were and how intellectually and emotionally vacant this one is by comparison.
Christian Bale has taken on the mantle of John Connor and portrays him as completely different from Bruce Wayne. He delivers most of his dialogue at the shout, the rest at the growl, and all of it with a frown … see, no resemblance to The Dark Knight at all! The only point when he breaks his bullet-proof shield of full-on one-dimensional acting is when he almost smiles while delivering the “I’ll be back” line.
Throughout the film, Sam Worthington’s story is much the more engaging and he comes across as more humane. I appreciate that the message the script-writing machines are trying to communicate is that, for Bale, the war against the machines has turned him into a machine, but didn’t Cameron make that point far more succinctly and effectively with the development of Sarah Connor’s character in T2?
I can’t pretend that I’m going to lose sleep waiting for the predicted second and third film in this despite-popular-demand second trilogy of Terminator films but I can say that, despite what Christian Bale thinks of him, I predict Shane Hurlbut will have a long and lucrative career making indifferent movies look lovely.
The Hasta La Vista Short-Cut, Baby (600 words).
These days, in the drive to create more and more by-the-numbers action movies, the bottom of their ideas barrel has long been scraped away. So they approach the same old ideas from a slightly different angle. We’ll call this The Wonderful World of Back Story:
Star Wars referred to “The Clone Wars” early on, but we weren’t allowed to see them … until now. Star Trek often made reference to Kirk and Co’s past, but only now do we get to see it. Much was made of Wolverine’s forgotten years … well, they’re forgotten no longer. I imagine plans are a-brewing in the Doctor Who production office at the BBC to finally do something with that oft-teased Time War. And, finally, The Terminator’s war against the machines … glimpsed and hinted-at for twenty-five years is now, finally, here for all to see.
And, do you know what … we’ve seen it all before:
The titles and slow-crawl from the beginning of T1: check.
Helicopter attack from Apocalypse Now: check.
Soldiers creeping through dark factory corridors from Aliens: check.
Human resistance run from a submarine as in The Matrix: check.
Grey, burned-out landscapes from Reign of Fire: check.
Giant robots to steal some thunder from Transformers: check.
Dog-fight in a canyon from ID4 (ironically not a sequel): check.
Motor-bike escape from The Great Escape (yes, really): check.
Make Skynet Central look like Mordor: check.
Christ-like resurrection as in just about every quest movie made since Star Wars: check and check.
Showdown in a foundry with loads of fire, steam and sparks as in T1 and T2: oh yes!
You can almost hear the script-writing machines checking off their wish-list as they assembled this, for want of a more accurate term, script. The special effects, photography and particularly the work done on the sound is exemplary. The visuals are never less than impressive and are occasionally gorgeous; which does rather make one think that Bale’s now legendary tirade against Shane Hurlbut, the Director of Photography, might have been better directed towards whoever programmed the script-writing machines.
Throughout T4, the dialogue (deliberately) echoes T1 and T2, as though the script-writing machines were somehow self-aware that they were simply lashing-together their narrative from the recycled bits-and-bolts of better films. But, all this backward-glancing reminds us how revolutionary and magnificent those films were and how intellectually and emotionally vacant this one is by comparison.
Christian Bale has taken on the mantle of John Connor and portrays him as completely different from Bruce Wayne. He delivers most of his dialogue at the shout, the rest at the growl, and all of it with a frown … see, no resemblance to The Dark Knight at all! The only point when he breaks his bullet-proof shield of full-on one-dimensional acting is when he almost smiles while delivering the “I’ll be back” line.
Throughout the film, Sam Worthington’s story is much the more engaging and he comes across as more humane. I appreciate that the message the script-writing machines are trying to communicate is that, for Bale, the war against the machines has turned him into a machine, but didn’t Cameron make that point far more succinctly and effectively with the development of Sarah Connor’s character in T2?
I can’t pretend that I’m going to lose sleep waiting for the predicted second and third film in this despite-popular-demand second trilogy of Terminator films but I can say that, despite what Christian Bale thinks of him, I predict Shane Hurlbut will have a long and lucrative career making indifferent movies look lovely.
.
image © Warner Bros / Columbia
Hilarious!
ReplyDeleteYour a good writer.